Harper Projected in Second Place

While Prime Minister Stephen Harper will certainly be reelected, the largest homogeneous group of potential voters will be choosing apathy on October 14th. Canada does have a record of higher voter turnout than other countries, such as the United States, but the numbers have been dropping with each subsequent election. This one will likely prove to be no different, given that many potential voters claim not to care much for this selection of leaders.

"The problem is that none of these so-called 'leaders' truly represent Canadians! exclaimed a red-faced Edward York, Deputy Chairman of Activists for Institutional Inertia. "The people would be foolish to elect a leader who can't provide them with what they want. So they won't vote!" When asked what, pray tell, the people want, he emphatically sputtered, "They want a decisive leader who will listen to whatever they say, and a platform that will ensure that everything steadily gets better without changing the status quo! And more importantly they can't stand the typical unrealistic goals and broken promises bullshit!"

Palin Admits to Book Ban Attempt

After weeks of consistent accusations from the media, American Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has confessed to trying to ban one book during her political career. The book in question, Friedrich Nietzsche's The Gay Science, never did make it to the chopping block; Palin is apparently still disappointed that it did not.

"Trying to classify abnormalities such as homosexuality as a science is amoral and godless!" she shouted at last night's press conference. Upon being told that the title translated to "The Joyful Wisdom", Palin retorted, "There shouldn't be anything doggone joyful about it! It's a sin."