"The Carbon Tax Is Dead"
By Quentin Albatross

The pundits agree: Dion's failure in the election symbolizes the Canadian rejection of a carbon tax. No matter that 230 economists and 120 prominent scientists publicly stated that it was a sound idea -- the people were simply not willing to change their lifestyles to create a more sustainable economy.

"Dion just didn't convince me that it was a good idea," stated Caron Thingbit, who voted for the NDP. "Why punish the kitchen table? Consumers aren't degrading the environment to the point of collapse, it's the corporations! We need real regulation! Kitchen table!"

An anonymous Conservative Party voter, on the other hand, argued that "the economy is knowledge-based and no longer requires the environment to function -- thus, the carbon tax has no basis in reality." Upon seeing that our reporter did not immediately agree with him, he spat at her, and then accused her of being a radical CBC employee.

Another interview subject rejected both of these arguments as aspects of "the herd mentality." "Don't you see?" he bellowed loud enough to draw a crowd. "The carbon tax is dead! The carbon tax remains dead! And we have killed it. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was sanest and most sensible of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?" He then ran into a fountain in the park and attempted to "purify himself" before he was wrestled away by Toronto police officers.

This publication holds that while the loud man was at least correct to a certain degree, he will likely be misinterpreted by the majority of people for years to come -- the carbon tax will continue to remain "as dead as a Dion," or so the saying goes.