A New Normal

Even as international markets begin to feel the effects of the U.S. lending crisis, a variety of Canadian institutions are being forced to make some changes in order to reassure their customers and patrons. Dr. Percival Snellcroft, a family physician from Newcastle, reports considerable success since switching over to tongue recessors. "Basically they're like tongue depressors, but they're a more natural product and don't induce any urge to cut the morning cereal with sawdust. My patients like that." Similarly, across Ontario and indeed the country, a growing number of elementary schools now break for "correction," prisoners are sent to "adjustment" facilities, and orthodontists just kind of shine a light on their patients' braces and hum mysteriously. Dr. Snellcroft urged practitioners in other countries to follow his example. "Every little bit helps prop up our dying economy and stave off social collapse," he chortled.

--Richard Clyde

[Editor's note] We would like to apologise for a particularly witless mistake in a previous post, now (thankfully) removed, in which we quoted Mr Jacques Derrida. The section in question read: "On the one hand, if modern linguistics remains completely enclosed within a classical conceptuality, if especially it naively uses the word being and all it presupposes, that which, within this linguistics, deconstructs the unity of the word in general can, according to the model of the Heideggerian question, as it functions powerfully from the very opening of Being and Time, be circumscribed as ontic science or regional ontology." As any child can see, it can't do anything of the sort, and the omission of the all-important "no longer" in the second clause renders the entire passage unintelligible gibberish. We apologise for the error.